Kutless-

"Carry me to the Cross."

Yesterday was life-changing.

A new healing.

A new realization.

My identity is in Jesus.

My confidence comes from Christ.

I am free from the world.

The Lord has broken the chain.

The chain that held me to my past.

He broke that chain.

I'm running to His arm.

My fears and all of me.

He promises to hold me.

He promises to be my strength.

He will never let me go.

All sons & daughters-

"Brokenness Aside."

I can see the lies now.

I can see what Satan's plan is.

But I refuse to let him lead me backwards.

Sure my life isn't ideal right now.

But it's a hell of a lot better then where i've been.

I have contentment now.

I have peace now.

No more depression.

Tears.

and more tears.

God is telling me it's okay to let go.

Just let go.

Don't fear.

I'll be with you.

You are saved Natalie.

You are a new soul.

A new woman.

The past is washed away.

Why hold onto it?

You deserve better.

I will see this season thru.
I will fix my eyes on you.
Only you, only you.

God is so good.

He never changes.

Each day He wants to love you.

You are never too far gone.

Place your faith in Jesus.

He will reach down from Heaven

& take hold of you.

Remembering your past no more.

I'm so thankful for the Lord.

For how He's transformed my life.

For His forgiveness & grace.

For being unrelenting with me.

I'm His daughter.

He's my father.

I have days where I feel so lost.

so distant.

I have days where I can't seem to talk to Him.

Days where I feel ashamed.

I tell Him, "Father i've ran away from home,

I want to come home now."

I never want to run away again.

The Lord is protecting you always.

You'd be surprised.



Sometimes what we want is not always what God wants for us.
We think we need things that we actually don't need.
We begin to IDOLIZE or worship people other than God.
Our idols slowly destroy us.
What I want is not what God wants for me.
What I want is not God's best for me.
I know the truth.
I know the truth can set you free.
But I still have days where I cling to what I want.
I want something that's not good for me.
I want something that brings a whole new meaning to the word PAIN.
So why do I want this?
How could I want something that brings pain?
Because I idolize it. I worshipped it for so long.
It has control over me.

I need to get on my train.
I need to write truth.
I can't go back to that.
Write truth to combat the lies.
Satan wants me to hold on.
He wants me to find comfort in the pain.
Read verses.
Know that God loves me.
Fight baby girl.
You won't go back, you can't go back.
You were manipulated.
No more being the victim of that.

I know it's hard.
Words can't explain how much it hurts.
It kills.
To let something go that you love so dearly.
Something you would die for.
But God has other plans for me.

I hope that God helps me to match my wants with His.
I hope I can get to 100% wanting freedom.
Instead of 75% wanting to be freed and 25% wanting to hold on.
How do you let go...
The holding on has become your comfort.
First the person was your comfort,
Now the longing and grieving has become your comfort.
You want it to linger.
You never really want it to end. But yet you do.
It's such a messed up thing.

Lord you are my Father. Look, i'm here again. Father i'm here again. I'm feeling weak, i'm feeling vulnerable. You know this is where I cave. This is where all the hard work goes out the window. You know how much I love my idol. You know how much it controls me. My tears have changed. I now cry because I don't want this to be happening to me anymore. I don't cry because I want the past back. I cry because I don't want to hurt like that again. I'm scared i'll go back. I really am God. I know you won't scold me for my mistakes and bad choices. I act out of the feelings of my heart. But i've learned that your heart and emotions can be lies. The heart is deceitful. You need to guard it at all costs. I finally understand that verse. Lord I know you have the power to heal me. You can help me overcome. You can change my desires and turn them into Yours. God you can change my wants and turn them into Yours. Don't let me be deceived. In my weakness would you please hold me, please carry me Father.

Idols destroy us.
Jesus can cleanse us from our idols.
He can save us before they destroy us.
Before they destroy us even more.
Keep running back to God.
Even when you fall, again & again.
Just keep giving your heart back to God.
Acknowledge your weakness.
Become aware of it.
Realize that  you can't do this alone.
Your strength isn't enough.
& you need God's protection.
Satan wants to drive you crazy.
Keep the memories alive.
That's why I need to make the choice.
The choice to stop saying yes,
& start saying no.
I've yet to do that... I hope I can.
I can't run back.
It's so tempting but I can't.
It will NEVER be what I want it to be.
It will never make me happy again.

Break my bondage.
Deliver me.
Help my desires to match Yours.
In Jesus name, Amen.

God I love you more.

I'm finding my  identity again.

I will be okay.

Your Holy Spirit comes to comfort me.

You bring this warmth,

unexplainable feeling.

I know God is here surrounding me.

I know He is more important.

There is freedom from my past.

I will rise.

Someday it won't even phase me.

I'm on a train.

So thankful for new brothers and sisters

In Christ.

This trip contained a breakthrough.

God says, "I've carried you so many times...

this time you need to walk it out."

Okay God, I'm not going to run away anymore.

Finished the book unbroken.

beautiful and deep.

powerful. 

a stripper found Jesus.

her journey was rough.

her journey molded her.

she received freedom.

read it.

Thankful for Mars Hill community group.

Met such amazing people.

Woman's group was wonderful.

Nicole was a blessing.

Her story is just like mine.

She survived, so can I.

Justin is a blessing.

He is a new brother in Christ.

He is changing more each day.

I have faith in him.

Ephesians 5:16-26

Read it.

Songs  on my heart

Sarah Reeves:

God of the impossible

Mighty Wave

Broken Things

Shane and Shane:

There is none like you

Your Grace is sufficient

Gungor:

Ancient Skies 

Beautiful Things 

Goodbye California.

I'll miss you.

The Lord lives.

Riverside California 2/29-3/8

Beautiful, sunny, 85 degrees. Nat and Scotty are angels for letting me come visit each year during this time. Wednesday night we flew into Ontario and made it to the Parker residence by 11:30 pm. Thursday I woke up and took the precious puppy Judah for a walk at sunrise and spent the day walking up Mount Rubidoux. 3 miles was pretty exhausting after skipping out on the gym for 2 weeks. The mountain overlooks california and is possibly one of the most beautiful sights. so peaceful. Judah bug was one brave puppy leading us up the mountain and climbing the big bounders. I was fascinated by the lizards out bathing in the sun. Starbucks out here is famous and the workers have never even heard of Caribou. Hilarious. Friday night we took a crew out to eat for some amazing burgers and drinks. It was delicious and quite messy. Natalia got some epic photos of that night. Saturday was a sleep in day for the girls. Then we had a late breakfast at the Mission Inn. No this is not a hotel, I thought that too at first. It has cozy little restaurants and a strip of stores to window shop.. and did I forget to mention Casey's famous cupcakes? She was the rich girl on laguna beach years ago. Sunday was beach day, how could we skip out the sand & the ocean? We drove through newport and laguna just to sight see and ate at a yummy little place called Schwack's. Very interesting name but the best bbq chicken sandwich i've ever had. Then it was nothing but good books, sea shells and the hot rays. Perfect beach day. We all got a good nap in the sand. Along with stealing some of it for a keep-sake. Shhh. Today, Monday, we spent hours at Starbucks reading reading reading. I love reading. I recommend for those who love to read Christian books "unbroken" by Tracy Elliott. It's deep, it's real and it's ugly. The book is about a young girl who grew up in a home of alcoholics and was verbally and sexually abused by her 5 uncles. She grew up with no parents (they both died) and she began to use drugs and alcohol quite harshly. She began stripping and threw her life away. Until Jesus came and saved her. It's a powerful book and will keep you tied in.

Oh, I also got my sixth tattoo at a shop called "art of war" by an amazing tattoo artist named Jonny. He did remarkable and my wrist now has its third tattoo- Philippians 3:13. What does it mean?? Forgetting your past and looking forward to your future. A quote of my life. A healer for me. 

Church at Mars Hills in Santa Ana California was amazing as well. So much like Substance Church back home. Modern. Young. Lights. Worship that leaves you wanting more. Pastor Mark Driscoll gave a sermon on pornography and sexuality as a whole with a stripper interview of Crissy Moran played throughout. Crissy worked in the porn industry for 6 years and it was the result of a broken home and a desperate search for love. God saved Crissy. Her story is heartbreaking regardless. It was an emotional service to say the least as pastor Mark preached about abstaining from sexual sin... in any form. Some of us have ruined that a long time ago. But the truth is, it's never too late to have your heart cleaned by Jesus. I'll be posting the interview with Crissy on my facebook soon. Until then, check out www.marshill.com

links to check out:

stats on porn

sermon "the porn path"

Q&A with crissy morgan

Judah Love 

Titus 3:3-5

"For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us in righteousness, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit."

Devotion for the day: "From the inside out"

The King's daughter in the inner part is all glorious (All glorious is the princess within her chamber); her gown is interwoven with gold. Psalm 45:13

This verse is talking to us about being beautiful, glorious and full of truth on the inside; within ourselves. It is not what lies on the outside...physical beauty, riches and popularity are not of importance to God. He cares about our values, our inner being. During the Christmas season we walk by many store windows and beautifully wrapped presents with perfect bows. On the outside these presents look desirable, but really they are just for "show." These beautifully wrapped presents are really just empty boxes. Our lives can smybolize this same picture. We are seem as beautifully wrapped presents in God's eyes, but are you empty? Are you filled with values and morals and good judgment? Or are you just for "show"....

Many of your lives may look attractive on the outside, and others may even be envious of the things you have or the way you live. But really, deep within yourself you are nothing but an empty tomb. With nothing valuable or of worth to offer to others. This may sound harsh, but for many of us in this world it is truth. Today's devotional asks us to stop worrying so much about outer beauty, out appearance, out worth and start focusing on what lies within. This world's approval is not needed. It doesn't matter how popular you are, how expensive your belongings, how beautiful or handsome you are. If your inner Spirit is dry and empty then what good is that?

God wants each of to focus on our inner life. We must look at our motivations, our values, our priorities and our attitudes. If we submit to God and ask Him to guide our lives HE WILL. If we ask Him to give us clean hearts and new souls HE WILL. If we ask Him to change our desires from outer to inner HE WILL. We will never experience true joy and satisfaction if we live for the world and whether or not we are accepted by others.

The Holy Spirit lives inside of human beings and has the power to fill us with Himself. He can fill us with God's character! In this way we can share something valuable with others... something that is deep at the core of our being. It is not something fake or superficial. It is real.

Focus on your inner life more than your outer life.

Verses i'm focusing on during this tough season in my life:

Brother and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. -Philippians 3:13

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not see it? -Isaiah 43:18-19

Songs on my heart:
God is able- Hillsong
He has overcome- Hillsong

                      As the old identity dies, the new identity is born.

                          I will claim my identity back again. slowly. i'm not giving up.

Isaiah 43:1-4

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."  ---> Fear not, God is with you. He knows you by name. He loves you. No matter what you are facing, no matter how bad it hurts. When you pass through the waters and through the rivers He will be with you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned and the flames will not consume you. The Lord is telling us that He will be with us always, no matter what the circumstance. Take comfort in that truth.

Acts 1:7-8

Jesus said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” ---> Jesus tells us that it is not for us to know God's timing or the seasons He has for us. He has put us in this moment in time by His authority and He sees our entire future in one blink. And remember, God has our best interest in mind. The Holy Spirit will give us the power and the strength we need to endure. We will be God's witnesses, shining His character and His truth in our daily lives.

Psalm 147:3
God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on God for He cares for you.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.

Matthew 6:8
God knows what you need before you even ask Him.


The end of our self is our beginning place in God..
"When we have come to the end of ourselves, we have come to the beginning place with God."

There always comes a time of elimination. The earth sheds
each year. The trees and flowers let go of their identity.
As the old identity dies, a new identity is born. The body
sheds constantly. Some of it happens invisibly; so naturally
and silently that we do not realize it is happening. The
heart and the spirit also shed. They shed the emotions and
experiences that we no longer need. They shed the things
that stunt our growth. This, too, is an invisible process.
Yet because of the energy involved, the emotional energy,
we often feel the emotional and spiritual shedding; it feels
as if we are dying. We are. Just like the flowers and the
trees, we are dying to an old identity. This shedding, or
death, is not the end of us, it is the beginning.


Artists i'm listening to...
Jillian Edwards
Jenny and Tyler
JJ Heller