Sometimes what we want is not always what God wants for us.
We think we need things that we actually don't need.
We begin to IDOLIZE or worship people other than God.
Our idols slowly destroy us.
What I want is not what God wants for me.
What I want is not God's best for me.
I know the truth.
I know the truth can set you free.
But I still have days where I cling to what I want.
I want something that's not good for me.
I want something that brings a whole new meaning to the word PAIN.
So why do I want this?
How could I want something that brings pain?
Because I idolize it. I worshipped it for so long.
It has control over me.

I need to get on my train.
I need to write truth.
I can't go back to that.
Write truth to combat the lies.
Satan wants me to hold on.
He wants me to find comfort in the pain.
Read verses.
Know that God loves me.
Fight baby girl.
You won't go back, you can't go back.
You were manipulated.
No more being the victim of that.

I know it's hard.
Words can't explain how much it hurts.
It kills.
To let something go that you love so dearly.
Something you would die for.
But God has other plans for me.

I hope that God helps me to match my wants with His.
I hope I can get to 100% wanting freedom.
Instead of 75% wanting to be freed and 25% wanting to hold on.
How do you let go...
The holding on has become your comfort.
First the person was your comfort,
Now the longing and grieving has become your comfort.
You want it to linger.
You never really want it to end. But yet you do.
It's such a messed up thing.

Lord you are my Father. Look, i'm here again. Father i'm here again. I'm feeling weak, i'm feeling vulnerable. You know this is where I cave. This is where all the hard work goes out the window. You know how much I love my idol. You know how much it controls me. My tears have changed. I now cry because I don't want this to be happening to me anymore. I don't cry because I want the past back. I cry because I don't want to hurt like that again. I'm scared i'll go back. I really am God. I know you won't scold me for my mistakes and bad choices. I act out of the feelings of my heart. But i've learned that your heart and emotions can be lies. The heart is deceitful. You need to guard it at all costs. I finally understand that verse. Lord I know you have the power to heal me. You can help me overcome. You can change my desires and turn them into Yours. God you can change my wants and turn them into Yours. Don't let me be deceived. In my weakness would you please hold me, please carry me Father.

Idols destroy us.
Jesus can cleanse us from our idols.
He can save us before they destroy us.
Before they destroy us even more.
Keep running back to God.
Even when you fall, again & again.
Just keep giving your heart back to God.
Acknowledge your weakness.
Become aware of it.
Realize that  you can't do this alone.
Your strength isn't enough.
& you need God's protection.
Satan wants to drive you crazy.
Keep the memories alive.
That's why I need to make the choice.
The choice to stop saying yes,
& start saying no.
I've yet to do that... I hope I can.
I can't run back.
It's so tempting but I can't.
It will NEVER be what I want it to be.
It will never make me happy again.

Break my bondage.
Deliver me.
Help my desires to match Yours.
In Jesus name, Amen.