realizations..

questions to ask yourself..

// who are you // why do you act the way you do // where does your worth come from // do you love yourself // can you handle being alone // what keeps you up at night // what is your biggest fear // what have you learned from your childhood // what has your past turned you into // how can you overcome your unhealthy cycles + patterns // who do you let define you // where does your joy come from // what dreams do you want to come true // what is your souls deepest desire // what are you unable to move forward from // why are you stuck where you are // what lies ahead for you...

the list can go on + on.
just questions I've asked myself lately.


realizations from therapy + from God given insight into my life..

// your own self worth comes from outside factors - people + how they treat you
// you act our of your emotions, always.
// you grew up in an abusive + unhealthy home where you learned toxic patterns & cycles.
// you have never felt loved by your own father
// you are constantly in search of validation, reassurance + acceptance from men.
// you cant handle being alone
// you are extremely emotional and sensitive + take every little thing personally.
// you are such a lover
// you have always been called a strong woman, but you are realizing that isn't really true.
// you are codependent
// you need constant love and attention from a man
// you are looking for "dad's" in every man you meet (as weird as that sounds)
// you have lost your own self-confidence and self-worth because of how you've been treated.
// you put others before yourself, and you lose yourself in relationships.
// you feel like a shitty person whenever a man treats you wrongly or doesn't show you love.
// you run back to the same problems your mom constantly ran back to.
// you have grown to believe that your parents relationship is just the norm + its acceptable.
// you have relationship problems with men because of your childhood.
// you feel stuck, like you can't get out..
// you constantly involve yourself with the wrong men.

the list can go on + on.
just some realizations I've had from God + from my therapist lately.


  Why does it feel like it takes so much effort just to love yourself? Why does the way someone treats you have the power to ruin your entire life? Why do you put up with certain actions from other people and still continue to go back to them? Why do you want someone to love you who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated? Why are you so stuck in a cycle that you desperately want to break out of? Why are you so broken down? Why are relationships so hard? Why do you let other people define your worth as a human being? Since when do other people have the right to disrespect you and be unkind to you? And why do you constantly go back to them, only for it to happen again and again? Why are people so selfish and so mean?

This blog post has no organization to it, it's just a way for me to vent.
but I'm unable to fully vent because I feel so stuck.
if anyone has gone through any of this, please message me + we can chat.


Love,
Natalie

Let Go

"Everything i've ever let go of has claw marks on it."


Our impulse is always to hold on.
to him, to her, to it.
to the way it was.
to the way we hoped it would be.

but you need to let go.
let go of what is no longer serving you.
let go of whatever is keeping you from moving forward.
let go of whatever you're so attached to that you can't see where you're going.


let go of that relationship,
that friend,
that job,
that past,
that false hope,
that dream for the future.

Letting go is scary.
It's a free fall, an act of surrender.
It's releasing things you thought were important,
+ then being okay with the fact that they're gone.

tears are a doorway to the future,
+ so it letting go.

take responsibility.
consciously decide to let go.
take an active role in your healing.
be intentional about letting go.

we are not used to letting go.
we are used to handing on.
hanging on for dear life.
we hang on for a lot of reasons.
the past is known, but the future is a big question mark.
we think the past is the best there is for us.
our past is a comfort to us.
people are a safety blanket.
we are afraid to let go and free fall.
but in letting go we might actually be afraid of finding ourselves.

all of our memories have crafted our identity.
the way it was,
the way we used to be,
the way you thought it would always be.
these memories enslave us.
layer upon layer of memories we are hanging onto.
it's hard to let go of an old identity + move on.

letting go is belief that you will find better.
it's terror + freedom,
it's trust + faith,
its believing.

unfortunately there isn't always room for the old + the new at once.
we have to let go of the old, to experience the new.
we must free up our energy, our attention.
surrender leads to new possibilities.

and we must be okay with the fact that letting go could lead to nothing.
we could be left alone, + that's okay.
the old may not be replaced with a new right away.
we may be left with absence.

stop hoping things will change.
things will not change.
it's time for you to move forward.
don't let this person, or this thing, keep lingering there.
make a clean break + be intentional.
this piece of your life has served it's purpose,
+ it's purpose is finished.
you can't take it with you anymore.

know this,
in your emptiness, there is room for so much more.



be inspired.
Natalie

a constant in the chaos

life can be chaos.
it can be so much, all at once.
my life have been anything but calm lately.
i'm sure a lot of you can relate.

life can be lonely.
there can be so much going on around you,
but yet you feel so alone.
my life has been quite isolated lately.

and yet all around me is chaos.
tragedies, struggles, tears, strife.
from being a teacher,
to being a supportive friend,
to being an emergency responder,
to being a negotiator in the midst of fighting,
to being a leader and a mother figure,
i've been a lot of things lately.
and it gets hard.
simple as that.

thank God for good mothers.
and good coffee.
and drawing.
and working out.
and warm quiet apartments.
and good tv shows.
and loving pets.
and music.
these have been my sources of sanity.

in the midst of my chaos I feel very alone.
so much is going on, but no one is here to share life with me.
people are fleeting.
people are so inconsistent.
people leave you.
people come + go.
this has been my life.
and when someone comes back in, I try to latch on to them.
just to feel a little bit of love.
to feel safe + secure.
to have a glimpse of consistency.
even if it's the wrong people for me to be latching onto.

I think we were made to love, + be loved.
we are relational beings.
we want attention.
we want relationship.
and seasons of solitude can be really hard.
but boy, do you learn a hell of a lot about yourself.
and its raw.

i've been in a season of solitude for a long time now.
at the end of the night, I only belong to myself.
there are no consistent people in my life.
besides my amazing mother.
i've had a lot of people in + out.
but this has been more harmful than helpful.

I could go on + on about my life,
but this is more so an outlet for me, not for you.
a place to get my thoughts + my life down on paper.
well, sort of.
so I can see it.

how would I describe my life lately?
inconsistent.
chaotic.
confusing.
lonely.
soul-searching.
emotional.
emotion-less.
back + forth.
in + out.
here + gone.
gut-wrenchingly real.
so real.

I can honestly say I have yet to visit this place.
God has yet to bring me here.
so i'm still trying to figure out what to do exactly.
and it's a very inconsistent ride.

but God is good.
through it all HE IS GOOD.
he is a good Father.
and I love him as much now as I did before.
before this season he put me in.

a constant in the chaos.
a solid rock that will never leave.
when seasons change, he still remains.
when everyone leaves you, he is still here.
and he knows your heart, always.
I lean on Him right now.
because everyone else is fleeting.
people are fleeting.
emotions are fleeting.
situations are fleeting.
but God is not fleeting.

This song has been following me, closely by my side.
during this lonely season, I am reminded of this truth.
go listen.
for me it brings tears. and chills. and rawness. and realness.
He is a good father, and I am loved by Him.

https://youtu.be/VKvCpAFcjI8