a constant in the chaos

life can be chaos.
it can be so much, all at once.
my life have been anything but calm lately.
i'm sure a lot of you can relate.

life can be lonely.
there can be so much going on around you,
but yet you feel so alone.
my life has been quite isolated lately.

and yet all around me is chaos.
tragedies, struggles, tears, strife.
from being a teacher,
to being a supportive friend,
to being an emergency responder,
to being a negotiator in the midst of fighting,
to being a leader and a mother figure,
i've been a lot of things lately.
and it gets hard.
simple as that.

thank God for good mothers.
and good coffee.
and drawing.
and working out.
and warm quiet apartments.
and good tv shows.
and loving pets.
and music.
these have been my sources of sanity.

in the midst of my chaos I feel very alone.
so much is going on, but no one is here to share life with me.
people are fleeting.
people are so inconsistent.
people leave you.
people come + go.
this has been my life.
and when someone comes back in, I try to latch on to them.
just to feel a little bit of love.
to feel safe + secure.
to have a glimpse of consistency.
even if it's the wrong people for me to be latching onto.

I think we were made to love, + be loved.
we are relational beings.
we want attention.
we want relationship.
and seasons of solitude can be really hard.
but boy, do you learn a hell of a lot about yourself.
and its raw.

i've been in a season of solitude for a long time now.
at the end of the night, I only belong to myself.
there are no consistent people in my life.
besides my amazing mother.
i've had a lot of people in + out.
but this has been more harmful than helpful.

I could go on + on about my life,
but this is more so an outlet for me, not for you.
a place to get my thoughts + my life down on paper.
well, sort of.
so I can see it.

how would I describe my life lately?
inconsistent.
chaotic.
confusing.
lonely.
soul-searching.
emotional.
emotion-less.
back + forth.
in + out.
here + gone.
gut-wrenchingly real.
so real.

I can honestly say I have yet to visit this place.
God has yet to bring me here.
so i'm still trying to figure out what to do exactly.
and it's a very inconsistent ride.

but God is good.
through it all HE IS GOOD.
he is a good Father.
and I love him as much now as I did before.
before this season he put me in.

a constant in the chaos.
a solid rock that will never leave.
when seasons change, he still remains.
when everyone leaves you, he is still here.
and he knows your heart, always.
I lean on Him right now.
because everyone else is fleeting.
people are fleeting.
emotions are fleeting.
situations are fleeting.
but God is not fleeting.

This song has been following me, closely by my side.
during this lonely season, I am reminded of this truth.
go listen.
for me it brings tears. and chills. and rawness. and realness.
He is a good father, and I am loved by Him.

https://youtu.be/VKvCpAFcjI8