Kutless-

"Carry me to the Cross."

Yesterday was life-changing.

A new healing.

A new realization.

My identity is in Jesus.

My confidence comes from Christ.

I am free from the world.

The Lord has broken the chain.

The chain that held me to my past.

He broke that chain.

I'm running to His arm.

My fears and all of me.

He promises to hold me.

He promises to be my strength.

He will never let me go.

All sons & daughters-

"Brokenness Aside."

I can see the lies now.

I can see what Satan's plan is.

But I refuse to let him lead me backwards.

Sure my life isn't ideal right now.

But it's a hell of a lot better then where i've been.

I have contentment now.

I have peace now.

No more depression.

Tears.

and more tears.

God is telling me it's okay to let go.

Just let go.

Don't fear.

I'll be with you.

You are saved Natalie.

You are a new soul.

A new woman.

The past is washed away.

Why hold onto it?

You deserve better.

I will see this season thru.
I will fix my eyes on you.
Only you, only you.

God is so good.

He never changes.

Each day He wants to love you.

You are never too far gone.

Place your faith in Jesus.

He will reach down from Heaven

& take hold of you.

Remembering your past no more.

I'm so thankful for the Lord.

For how He's transformed my life.

For His forgiveness & grace.

For being unrelenting with me.

I'm His daughter.

He's my father.

I have days where I feel so lost.

so distant.

I have days where I can't seem to talk to Him.

Days where I feel ashamed.

I tell Him, "Father i've ran away from home,

I want to come home now."

I never want to run away again.

The Lord is protecting you always.

You'd be surprised.



Sometimes what we want is not always what God wants for us.
We think we need things that we actually don't need.
We begin to IDOLIZE or worship people other than God.
Our idols slowly destroy us.
What I want is not what God wants for me.
What I want is not God's best for me.
I know the truth.
I know the truth can set you free.
But I still have days where I cling to what I want.
I want something that's not good for me.
I want something that brings a whole new meaning to the word PAIN.
So why do I want this?
How could I want something that brings pain?
Because I idolize it. I worshipped it for so long.
It has control over me.

I need to get on my train.
I need to write truth.
I can't go back to that.
Write truth to combat the lies.
Satan wants me to hold on.
He wants me to find comfort in the pain.
Read verses.
Know that God loves me.
Fight baby girl.
You won't go back, you can't go back.
You were manipulated.
No more being the victim of that.

I know it's hard.
Words can't explain how much it hurts.
It kills.
To let something go that you love so dearly.
Something you would die for.
But God has other plans for me.

I hope that God helps me to match my wants with His.
I hope I can get to 100% wanting freedom.
Instead of 75% wanting to be freed and 25% wanting to hold on.
How do you let go...
The holding on has become your comfort.
First the person was your comfort,
Now the longing and grieving has become your comfort.
You want it to linger.
You never really want it to end. But yet you do.
It's such a messed up thing.

Lord you are my Father. Look, i'm here again. Father i'm here again. I'm feeling weak, i'm feeling vulnerable. You know this is where I cave. This is where all the hard work goes out the window. You know how much I love my idol. You know how much it controls me. My tears have changed. I now cry because I don't want this to be happening to me anymore. I don't cry because I want the past back. I cry because I don't want to hurt like that again. I'm scared i'll go back. I really am God. I know you won't scold me for my mistakes and bad choices. I act out of the feelings of my heart. But i've learned that your heart and emotions can be lies. The heart is deceitful. You need to guard it at all costs. I finally understand that verse. Lord I know you have the power to heal me. You can help me overcome. You can change my desires and turn them into Yours. God you can change my wants and turn them into Yours. Don't let me be deceived. In my weakness would you please hold me, please carry me Father.

Idols destroy us.
Jesus can cleanse us from our idols.
He can save us before they destroy us.
Before they destroy us even more.
Keep running back to God.
Even when you fall, again & again.
Just keep giving your heart back to God.
Acknowledge your weakness.
Become aware of it.
Realize that  you can't do this alone.
Your strength isn't enough.
& you need God's protection.
Satan wants to drive you crazy.
Keep the memories alive.
That's why I need to make the choice.
The choice to stop saying yes,
& start saying no.
I've yet to do that... I hope I can.
I can't run back.
It's so tempting but I can't.
It will NEVER be what I want it to be.
It will never make me happy again.

Break my bondage.
Deliver me.
Help my desires to match Yours.
In Jesus name, Amen.

God I love you more.

I'm finding my  identity again.

I will be okay.

Your Holy Spirit comes to comfort me.

You bring this warmth,

unexplainable feeling.

I know God is here surrounding me.

I know He is more important.

There is freedom from my past.

I will rise.

Someday it won't even phase me.

I'm on a train.

So thankful for new brothers and sisters

In Christ.

This trip contained a breakthrough.

God says, "I've carried you so many times...

this time you need to walk it out."

Okay God, I'm not going to run away anymore.

Finished the book unbroken.

beautiful and deep.

powerful. 

a stripper found Jesus.

her journey was rough.

her journey molded her.

she received freedom.

read it.

Thankful for Mars Hill community group.

Met such amazing people.

Woman's group was wonderful.

Nicole was a blessing.

Her story is just like mine.

She survived, so can I.

Justin is a blessing.

He is a new brother in Christ.

He is changing more each day.

I have faith in him.

Ephesians 5:16-26

Read it.

Songs  on my heart

Sarah Reeves:

God of the impossible

Mighty Wave

Broken Things

Shane and Shane:

There is none like you

Your Grace is sufficient

Gungor:

Ancient Skies 

Beautiful Things 

Goodbye California.

I'll miss you.

The Lord lives.

Riverside California 2/29-3/8

Beautiful, sunny, 85 degrees. Nat and Scotty are angels for letting me come visit each year during this time. Wednesday night we flew into Ontario and made it to the Parker residence by 11:30 pm. Thursday I woke up and took the precious puppy Judah for a walk at sunrise and spent the day walking up Mount Rubidoux. 3 miles was pretty exhausting after skipping out on the gym for 2 weeks. The mountain overlooks california and is possibly one of the most beautiful sights. so peaceful. Judah bug was one brave puppy leading us up the mountain and climbing the big bounders. I was fascinated by the lizards out bathing in the sun. Starbucks out here is famous and the workers have never even heard of Caribou. Hilarious. Friday night we took a crew out to eat for some amazing burgers and drinks. It was delicious and quite messy. Natalia got some epic photos of that night. Saturday was a sleep in day for the girls. Then we had a late breakfast at the Mission Inn. No this is not a hotel, I thought that too at first. It has cozy little restaurants and a strip of stores to window shop.. and did I forget to mention Casey's famous cupcakes? She was the rich girl on laguna beach years ago. Sunday was beach day, how could we skip out the sand & the ocean? We drove through newport and laguna just to sight see and ate at a yummy little place called Schwack's. Very interesting name but the best bbq chicken sandwich i've ever had. Then it was nothing but good books, sea shells and the hot rays. Perfect beach day. We all got a good nap in the sand. Along with stealing some of it for a keep-sake. Shhh. Today, Monday, we spent hours at Starbucks reading reading reading. I love reading. I recommend for those who love to read Christian books "unbroken" by Tracy Elliott. It's deep, it's real and it's ugly. The book is about a young girl who grew up in a home of alcoholics and was verbally and sexually abused by her 5 uncles. She grew up with no parents (they both died) and she began to use drugs and alcohol quite harshly. She began stripping and threw her life away. Until Jesus came and saved her. It's a powerful book and will keep you tied in.

Oh, I also got my sixth tattoo at a shop called "art of war" by an amazing tattoo artist named Jonny. He did remarkable and my wrist now has its third tattoo- Philippians 3:13. What does it mean?? Forgetting your past and looking forward to your future. A quote of my life. A healer for me. 

Church at Mars Hills in Santa Ana California was amazing as well. So much like Substance Church back home. Modern. Young. Lights. Worship that leaves you wanting more. Pastor Mark Driscoll gave a sermon on pornography and sexuality as a whole with a stripper interview of Crissy Moran played throughout. Crissy worked in the porn industry for 6 years and it was the result of a broken home and a desperate search for love. God saved Crissy. Her story is heartbreaking regardless. It was an emotional service to say the least as pastor Mark preached about abstaining from sexual sin... in any form. Some of us have ruined that a long time ago. But the truth is, it's never too late to have your heart cleaned by Jesus. I'll be posting the interview with Crissy on my facebook soon. Until then, check out www.marshill.com

links to check out:

stats on porn

sermon "the porn path"

Q&A with crissy morgan

Judah Love 

Titus 3:3-5

"For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us in righteousness, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit."